SanEat
A film with more than the usual spoiler issues. Talking about it in any detail feels akin to handing you a gift-wrapped present and saying, "I hope you like it -- It's a thriller about a diabolical secret experiment."
Griff Lees
Very good movie overall, highly recommended. Most of the negative reviews don't have any merit and are all pollitically based. Give this movie a chance at least, and it might give you a different perspective.
Ella-May O'Brien
Each character in this movie — down to the smallest one — is an individual rather than a type, prone to spontaneous changes of mood and sometimes amusing outbursts of pettiness or ill humor.
Scott LeBrun
If you're looking for a cheerfully inane, lowbrow "late show" type of movie that just has fun with itself, look no further than Cirio H. Santiagos' "Vampire Hookers", an endearingly silly enterprise with gorgeous gals, a fair bit of atmosphere, and absolutely no shortage of fart gags.John Carradine stars as Richmond Reed, suave blood sucking pimp with a trio of amazingly luscious ladies of the night - Cherish (Karen Stride), Suzy (Lenka Novak), and Marcy (Katie Dolan). They set their sights on a bumbling pair of horny Navy sailors, Tom (Bruce Fairbairn, 'The Rookies'), and Terry (Trey Wilson, "Raising Arizona") who've been out and about looking for a good time. Both Tom and Terry are cowards, but Tom can't resist the ladies for too long.Even at 80 minutes, one can feel the padding on this thing, but it's good for laughs and cheap thrills all the way. Ever lovable Vic Diaz has one of the silliest parts of his career as the servant to Reed and his girls, a man who desperately wants to be a vampire but who has an uncontrollable flatulence problem that makes lying in a coffin difficult. Fairbairn and Wilson are a reasonably engaging comedy pair, with Wilson particularly funny as a guy who feels the need to tell a certain story over and over. Stride, Novak, and Dolan are oh so delectable and help to keep the movie compulsively watchable, while the always reliable Carradine is clearly having a whale of a time as the dapper villain who just loves to quote poetry, and who informs us that while Shakespeare was a vampire, Walt Whitman was not. The music by Jaime Mendoza-Nava is enjoyable, as are the various sets. Best of all, there's a folksy title theme song playing over the end credits (as the main actors get a curtain call) that is simply awesome. You've just gotta hear it.All in all, this is an agreeable midnight movie for genre fans looking for some undemanding fun.Seven out of 10.
BA_Harrison
Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags), embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp), and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks), but zero gore.About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!
Paul Andrews
Vampire Hookers starts with a Vampire named Richmond Reed (John Carradine) talking incoherent nonsense to the camera, don't worry about it though as it happens a lot. Two U.S. Navy sailors & best buddies named Tom Buckley (Bruce Fairbairn) & Terry Wayne (Trey Wilson) are on shore leave in an exotic oriental port & decide to have a night on the town, lots of beer & plenty of women. Unfortunately the closest they come to scoring is a transsexual, then they meet up with another sailor named Eddie Taylor (Lex Winter) & his guide, a local taxi driver named Julio (Leo Martinez) who takes them to the San Francisco Bar where Julio introduces Eddie to a woman he knows called Cherish (Karen Stride). Eddie & Cherish then hop in Julio's taxi & Julio takes them to a cemetery where Cherish lives. Cherish takes Eddie down into a crypt where she introduces her two friends Suzy (Lenka Novak) & Marcy (Katie Dolan) plus head Vampire Reed who never changes his clothes, they all feast on his blood. When Eddie fails to return to base Tom & Terry become worried so they decide to look for him, they manage to find Cherish & see her get into a taxi with another man & they decide to follow her. They discover the truth but none of the authorities will believe them, it's down to Tom & Terry to put an end to the Vampire hookers bloodsucking ways...This Philippine American co-production was directed by the prolific Cirio H. Santiago & Vampire Hookers was one of three films made by Santiago in '78, the other's being Hell Hole (1978) & Death Force (1978), which probably says a lot about the time & effort he puts into his films. The script by Howard R. Cohen is best described as an adult horror comedy, while it never quite satisfies in any department it has a certain something about. It's fairly entertaining to watch on a silly level, it moves along at a nice pace & isn't dull or boring & at less than 80 minutes long at least it's short. The story is virtually none existent, the character's are basic & John Carradine looks like a knob in that white suit & cowboy hat. The comedy comes mainly in the form of silly one-liners & a bit of slapstick, the funniest thing about Vampire Hookers has to be the dumb farting servant Pavo (Vic Diaz), there is a funny bit where he gets into a coffin & starts to fart so he has to breathe through a plastic tube! They may be juvenile & lowbrow but a joke about a fart can just raise a smile no matter what. The adult elements come in the form of the three Vampire Hookers & a 10 minute orgy scene which felt like it went on forever, it's not that graphic & I actually found it got pretty boring to watch. Horror wise we have John Carradine looking like he is about to fall over & die at any moment wearing the most hideous white suit, red bow-tie & cowboy hat bizarrely spouting lines of Shakespeare whom he claims was a Vampire. Well, that's as scary as Vampire Hookers gets anyway. Basically if you want your horror quite light hearted, not too taxing & fairly fun then Vampire Hookers might be worth a punt.Director Santiago does an OK job although Vampire Hookers is basic, the sets are alright although I can't remember the last time I saw a stone tomb with an electric lid & revolving steps! Are the filmmakers seriously trying to sell those styrofoam bricks as real? They are the most fake looking bricks I've ever seen as bricks don't usually bounce. Vampire Hookers isn't really scary but it does have that 70's horror film atmosphere to it. Forget about any blood or gore as there isn't any apart from John boy shooting a rat with a crossbow, maybe a real one but the shot was very quick so I couldn't be sure.The budget for this thing must have been low to say the least, the entire film looks like it was dubbed, even Carradine. Vampire Hookers looks OK & for the most part it's competent, fake bouncing bricks apart. The end credits feature the truly terrible 'Vampire Hookers, Blood is not all they Suck' theme song, don't forget to check it out! If you make it that far. The acting isn't up to much, by this stage of his career Carradine would appear in just about anything & he is far too old & he doesn't impress. The Vampire hookers themselves are alright to look at but their far from the best looking girls I've ever seen.Vampire Hookers has a great title, how could anyone not be interested in a film called Vampire Hookers? Unfortunately as is so often the case the film itself fails to live up to expectations, it has little in the way of sex or nudity, has little in the way of blood, gore or horror & the funniest thing about it are the fart gags. Just about worth a watch but I doubt it will knock anyone's socks off.
Steve Nyland (Squonkamatic)
I have been trying to make myself "like" this nearly unwatchable horror/comedy for a couple years now and am getting nowhere.Shot in the Phillipines on the cheap, starring a bunch of nobodies and featuring John Carradine's most forgettable screen appearance as Count Dracula [though sharply outfitted with a white linen suit complete with Panama hat; he looks great!], VAMPIRE HOOKERS pretends to be kinky horror fare but wallows in fart jokes, transvestite jokes, racial humor and awful disco music. Nai Bonet's NOCTURNA with it's sleepy boogie scenes and breathtaking bathtub scene by it's star doesn't seem like such a bad movie after suffering through VAMPIRE HOOKERS again. At least they could dance -- all the jokes in HOOKERS fall flat on my eyes & ears, there is no real horror, and the question of whether or not there are really girls in this movie at all sort of reduces it all to a cringe inducing slog of 90 minutes. The fact that it seems to go on and on forever doesn't help, and while I am as nostalgic for the late 1970's as the next guy one can at least take heart in the fact that human kind effectively evolved beyond a state where movies like this are possible. If you've ever wondered why there hasn't been a re-release of this for the digital age, STOP, because people often find themselves getting exactly what they asked for and regretting it. Beyond a fabulous title, VAMPIRE HOOKERS is unredeemable, uninteresting crapola, and that is what Out of Print prior rental tapes were invented for.Avoid it; * 1/2 out of a possible ****.
