willfmoviejudge
SPOILER: Rating: 20%. Wow, just wow. So let me see if I got it straight. Whoopi Goldberg and a T-Rex go solving crimes together. Well, that has to be a contender for the stupidest premise I have ever heard for in a movie in my life; and to be honest, I have seen my fair share of stupid plots. I gave this movie a go around, because I like Whoopi Goldberg as an actress, and I am also a fan of both dinosaur and bad movies, I said to myself "where can I GO WRONG?" Oh, I have never been more wrong in my life, this is only a piece of the bottom of the cesspool. My god, this train wreck is stuck in my mind. What I find very interesting and yet very disturbing is that this movie's budget back in 1995 was approximately $34,000,000; and yet not only was it direct to video, WE NEVER SEE THREE DIMES OF IT ON SCREEN!.The intro starts off looking like a mediocre powerpoint presentation that scrolls across the screen. It is a similar type of format like that of the Star Wars movies, except that in the Star Wars saga, their intros give us a great understanding on whats going on; in this instance, it still leaves me with more unanswered questions than before this movie started playing; like for an example what is the setting? What time period? What the hell is the New Eden compound? etc. All of a sudden, with very little comprehensible transition you see our main dinosaur police officer named Teddy Rex, who kind of looks like a imbred cousin of Barney the Dinosaur, played by George Newbern (who was most known for Clark Kent/Superman from the Animated Justice League) encounter this "robotic" butterfly. That robot butterfly (which is something that can only make sense in this wretched film) bursts in his face which both angered and confused me simultaneously. We cut to our other main police officer named Katie Coltrane played by Whoopi Goldberg (from the movie Sister Act), who is was almost thrown off of the service because she was bickering with her former partner while a group of thugs blew up a truck, which as a result got them to stop arguing. To redeem herself, her commissioner played by Richard Roundtree (aka Shaft), puts her on a case with the incredibly incompetently stupid, goofy looking Teddy Rex, much to her recalcitrant and disinclined attitude.After finding out that dinosaurs have allegedly more detective like instincts than humans, Teddy Rex goes to this convention to literally "meet his maker" which is also a saying that you are dead, and also runs into who I am going to call commissioner Shaft, just to have an excuse to eat cookies. Yes, thats right people, a T-REX that does NOT LIKE the taste of MEAT, what the hell was this director thinking, that is completely BS. If a T-Rex did not eat meat, but instead ate cookies and "hydroponic" "seaweed" (by the way those two words are redundant like extinct permanently), it will STARVE.The two of them, must stop the evil and overly affluent tycoon who wants to start his own Armageddon named Elizar Kane played by Armin Mueller-Stahl (who had more of a reputation overseas in Europe like Germany and England than he had in the U.S), as well as the Toymaker who was the city's most powerful thug. Before they set off on their mission, Teddy is threatening his higher ups just because he wants a bigger truck, (remember, not criminals but FELLOW OFFICERS). While, Coltrane is extracting information to be able to stop Kane in his tracks, Teddy walks into a club where the murder victim hung out and has a relationship with a female T-Rex named Molly WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIM! played by Carol Kane (known for Princess Bride and Annie Hall) after they leave the nightclub. Now the strange thing is that this dinosaur starts a romance with Teddy Rex immideately after her husbands funeral, and while she is mourning the loss of a loved one, Teddy is thinking about god damn cookies. I just fast forwarded through some scenes because it was honestly hard enough already. The two officers stop the tycoon and his cohorts.I'm going to list off some of the things that are wrong with this movie and then explain how I would have done it differently (if humanly possible).1: Coltrane and Rex should have swapped roles: Whoopi Goldberg is not as strong suited playing action roles, she is better with comedic roles instead. She should have been the one cracking the jokes instead of playing the angry officer (by the way if you look carefully, every scene with her shows that she is clinching her teeth in anger) because she despised being in this movie, despite earning $7,000,000 for her efforts. Teddy should have been the serious role because that GOD DAMN DINOSAUR IS NOT FUNNY HE IS LOATHSOME, HE DOES ALL THESE ACCENTS/DIALECTS THAT ARE NAILS ON THE CHALKBOARD ANNOYING, AND IN ADDITION, HIS ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR MAKE ME CRINGE.2: The Animatronics of the Dinosaurs: Seriously, with the enormous budget that this movie had going for it, they should have ditched the rubber dinosaur costumes that are so poorly done from the gecko, I've seen better costumes at a thrift store. What they should of done, is make this movie computer animated, for Pete's sake, Toy Story came out this year, so there is no excuse.3: Better budgeting techniques: Once again, $34,000,000 and not 30 cents worth of effort of it on screen. I'm not criticizing the stars as much, I'm criticizing the upper management. I am more forgiving to a movie that has a smaller budget, where they do not have as much to work with, than I am with this. This can almost be considered grand larceny, because it is a criminal waste of money to have this plethora of funds and not even put squat effort into your work. On the other hand, Roger Corman takes a chicken scratch budget and makes something at least half way decent and many times more entertaining. This director or the producer should have been taught by Roger Corman.4: The Premise/Story: What story? This is by far the most horrible premise known to mankind. It is so mis-marketed, cliched and yet somehow so very confusing, it's a detective movie where the audience members are the detectives trying to piece together what is happening in front of their eyes. Most buddy cop movies, the depressed cop points a gun to his mouth, here, he eats cookies. Besides that, besides the fact that there are T-Rexes and Raptors in the movie, it is so unoriginal, yet so interesting on how it was green lighted my executive producers in the first place.Enough of my ranting, this movie was an abomination, that should be shown to FBI's most wanted to get them to talk. There are no other redeeming factors other than Whoopi Goldberg, but not even Goldberg can save this piece of dinosaur excrement. Personally, if there was ever something where it was William Shatner and Pokemon, that would hold my interest more than this rotting piece of good cheese or bad dino meat. If I could, I would have this film never see the light of day again, and I would put this weapon in a sealed container like the Lost Ark from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Possibly one of the worst films I ever watched, almost two hours of my life I will never get back.
Terastas
Like the Nostalgia Critic said (let's face it, 9/10 of you reading about this heard about it from him first), the movie falls apart right at the premises. So if you read the back cover and still decided to check it out of the video store anyway, you'd better not be surprised when it turns out to be anything worse than a colossal waste of time.It's my theory, honestly, that this movie was intended to ruin careers; that the studio had a bunch of contracts, some of which it wanted to renew for less than they were worth, and others it just wanted to be done with, and this movie was their way of making it happen.And, well, when you look at it through that kind of perspective, there is something oddly compelling about it. And that's why it only gets a 2/10 from me. Sure, it's an absolute disaster of a film, but I was never angered by its existence the same way I was Garbage Pail Kids or Movie 43. Just bewildered by it.
