Idiot-Deluxe
Author's Note: I sat through this miserable excuse of a movie 3 or 4 years ago and I recently saw it again (it's just as bad as I remembered) for the sole purpose of giving it the review it so justly deserves. Oh and I didn't pay/waste money on this rubbish either time.Boy, no one else can bring charm, charisma and ability to the screen quite like the Polonia brothers do (groan) in their impossibly low-budget "cult classic" horror film, Splatter Farm. Reportedly made for (and I'm not joking) $100 and was shot directly to video-tape (VHS), by what had to be some pretty primitive A/V gear. Just keep those two facts in mind a "hundred dollar budget and filmed on VHS cassette tapes" and IF you can believe it, there's actually a "producer" listed in the credits of this "hundred dollar movie". Moving on, I find Splatter Farm to be somewhat similar in plot to the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (a true cult classic) except without any of the talent or excitement and to say that their trifling efforts (that being Splatter Farm, of course) fall short of achieving any kind of "movie magic" is an understatement to the extreme.Why is this? The reasons are many.If I haven't already told you all you need to know and hopefully steered you clear of Splatter Farm, the list gets even longer from here - so let us continue. When the Polonia twins and their thin, scraggly, teen-mustaches made this wretchedly terrible movie in 1987, they where still teen-ager's and had basically no money and little, if any, experience in their craft (this is their first movie) and it certainly shows. When watching Splatter Farm it should take you less than a minute to realize just how cheap and amateurish this sad, sad movie is. Because it's an inescapable fact that every single one of it's odious, low-resolution frames, simply reeks of low-budget amateurism. From it's flawed amateurish acting to it's pitifully weak plot, involving two guys on vacation, that neither of them really wanted to take (to the home of some old, dumpy and unsavory woman who lives out in the boondocks, with her "handyman" Jeremy). To say that the majority of this film is "uninvolving" is putting it lightly and that's precisely why it's such a bore, candy-striping it with heavy amounts of degenerate Ed Gein-like visuals and sub-amateur gore effects illicit little in terms of Interest-Intrigue-or-Stimulation (many other movies have already used visuals like this and much better). Earlier I mentioned Jeremy the handyman, what's his story. Jeremy's the bad egg of the bunch, a despondent, maladjusted miscreant, with a habit of murdering both farm animals and people, he's also inbreed (thats where the "unsavory" part comes into play with regard to the old lady) and he quite simply has a head full of bad-wiring, which the Polonia twin's, our star actors/directors soon find out - fatally.Quite simply this movie is Boring-Boring-Boring and it's only entertainment value revolves around it's dire level's ineptitude, such as the HORRENDOUS acting, it's cheap, blatantly fake-looking gore effects and the films non-existent production values. Let us briefly delve into those production values of this godly "cult classic". Now I covered the fact that it was filmed directly to video-tape, but just WHAT was it that amateur crew of "Polonia, Polonia and Smith" captured on their low-resolution video-tapes? Well, sadly, the core visuals primarily involve shots of a crappy, old, weather-beaten barn, the interior and exterior of a modest and unremarkable rural home, a couple of cars, an empty field, a spattering of forest shots, a few gravel roads and again, some of the worst gore effects ever seen in the "splatter film" genre (in some scenes the gushing streams of blood are -obviously- nothing more than someone just off-camera squirting fake blood from a plastic squeeze bottle). If the Polonia bros and their partner in crime, the ever distinguished, Mr. Todd Smith, were trying to put something scary together here, they failed. A much more capable film crew (Tobe Hooper or Wes Craven for instance), covering the very same material, could have made this a very entertaining slice of sadistic-backwoods-inbreed-hillbilly-axe-wielding-murder-and-mayhem. But that's NOT what we get here.If you haven't already guessed, the cast for this movie is extremely small, only 4 people, 5 counting a murder victim out in the woods (the scene lasts for about a minute). None of them have much in the way of "acting chops" - most especially the old woman. Just listen to the diction of Mark and John Polonia (constantly squinting and drawing-out their words), which is at it's worst when their annoyed with a situation - which is pretty much the entire movie. I will say the old woman has a relatively amusing demise, but once again, lame gore effects certainly still apply.Lastly, just look at the Polonia twins, talk about two guys who have NO business being in front of the camera. Constantly squinting these two scraggly, fur-lipped, mop-topped, wiry-framed, bespectacled, 90-pound weaklings, score only slightly more charismatic then the corpse's featured in their movie.Generally speaking just about all movies, no matter how bad they are, are eventually televised, however, I'd be willing to bet Splatter Farm has never been "aired" or ever will be. But hey, at least it's not as bad as A Night To Dismember.
EVOL666
I'll admit - in pretty much every conceivable way, SPLATER FARM pretty much sucks dick. The acting is horrible, the gore is very amateurish, the technical aspects of the film (camera-work, lighting, editing, etc...) are non-existent - but to me, this is one of those films where the whole is MUCH better than the sum of it's parts.The plot revolves around twin brothers (who look like half-retarded Ralph Macchio look-alikes) who are on their way to their aunt's house for vacation. She's an old-bag that has a thing for one of the twins, which is alluded to from the get-go. She has a boy that she keeps around to do the work on the farm, and who also brings people into the barn to hack up and masturbate with their body parts. The twins notice something amiss with the farm-worker (even without seeing him jacking-off with severed arms and whatnot...) and they begin to suspect that something is up...There's so much wrong with SPLATTER FARM that I don't even know where to begin. Where it makes up for it's insane ineptitude, is in the fact that it really is quite funny, and a bit more original and thought-out than what the $7 budget would dictate. The gore scenes, though cheap, are effective for the most part, and there are a few truly decent "gross-out" moments (anal-fisting, anyone?). The storyline even has an effective "twist" in the plot that actually works. The dialog is stupid but often hilarious and I just got caught up in the super-cheap vibe of the film. It actually reminded me a bit of Jorg Buttgereit's NEKROMANTIK (in terms of style, not content) but without any of J.B.'s artistry. A very strange little film - I'd suggest it to those that dig low-budget splatter. Lord knows I've seen worse by more (supposedly) "talented" directors. Just watch SPLATTER FARM and then anything by Andreas Schnaas back-to-back and I think you'll see what I mean...8.5/10
majinmob
Splatter Farm is a great film...if you are deaf and blind. This is most assuredly the most retarded film ever to be distributed with box art. We're talking production values lower than an extra value meal here, kids. Necrophilia, strange homosexual rape, and incest are not punchlines when you take them as seriously as the makers of this film. If Deliverance had been made by autistic baboons, it would be better than this. If I could have, I would have rated this movie lower than a 1, only a little nub of the first star would have been lit up. 1/10.
scs0
You know how people joke about The Blair Witch Project being a dull do-it-yourself home movie? Well, Splatter Farm makes that movie look like Citizen Kane! Yes, I had the misfortune of actually renting this movie years ago and it was so bad it actually has become a running joke with my family. If we see a lousy movie we compare it to this one! Honestly, I can't believe it's even on this website. According to my video store, they get home movies like this every once and a while and sometimes they slip through the cracks and get on the shelf.Don't be tricked by the other posters who see like they were probably some of the people who were in the movie, this movie had no story, no quality acting, no quality effects: IT WAS A HOME MOVIE.
