TheLittleSongbird
When I read that Pirates of Treasure Island was done by The Asylum, I did have a good idea how it was going to turn out. People may wonder what I was doing watching an Asylum film in the first place. Well, despite their notorious badness there is something compulsively watchable about them. Pirates of Treasure Island is not one of their worst, Titanic II, 2012: Doomsday, Alien Origin, 2010: Moby Dick, Transmorphers and Alien vs.Hunters are worse. And oddly enough, there are a couple of redeeming qualities. Of The Asylum's movies so far, when it comes to the camera work Pirates of Treasure Island for me is easily their most handsome and photogenic. Also Rhett Giles does have a very convincing accent, the only one of the cast who does.On the other hand, the film is still a massive failure. I wish I could say the same for the costumes and sets as I did the camera work, but I cannot. The sets were garish and very amateurish looking, while the costumes are reminiscent of either people dressing up for a fancy-dress party with no attempt to make things authentic whatsoever or of a cheap show aimed for pre-school children. I have seen worse effects before, but they managed to be poorly done here too especially with the bugs. Speaking of the bugs, okay I don't mind if they are included but I found it insulting that they were given next to nothing to do other than stare and hiss. So when they were aiming to be antagonistic, I certainly was not feeling any sense of threat or menace.The music and audio didn't do much for me either. The music to me was the opposite of rousing, it was plodding, adding little to no excitement, and too often overshadowed the dialogue and the line delivery. If you are looking for any excitement, don't look for it here, Pirates of Treasure Island doesn't have it. The swashbuckling elements have no thrills at all, it looks clumsy and only comes in skirmishes. The action sequences with the bugs are just as uninspired, again the bugs have nothing to do and the idea of having the bug explode in a fireball in mid-air was one of many unbelievable moments in Pirates of Treasure Island. Another disconcerting thing was one female pirate getting shot and next minute she is absolutely fine, almost as if what happened before didn't happen at all.From a written quality standpoint, I think that is Pirates of Treasure Island's biggest failing. Not in a while, since 2012: Doomsday perhaps, have I heard dialogue this horrendously stilted before, almost as if the writers had no idea at all what they were writing. Absolutely none of it rings true and the delivery of it is lacking in any kind of energy. Okay, before I get attacked for this I am aware it is a spoof. I like spoofs, as long as they are funny. Pirates of Treasure Island was not, the most inspired being the one about the udder pain none of the jokes work. The film is 75 minutes long. To me it actually felt longer. Mainly because everything felt so dull and sluggish considering how what makes this kind of genre.And I really disliked the story here. The idea was really great and had such potential, but what was done with it was frustratingly disappointing. It is so simplistic, that almost nothing of note happens, and then in scenes that could have been thrilling it is incomprehensible. The pay off was underwhelming and in all honesty confused the heck out of me, I had a feeling that it was going to end in a predictable fashion and when the film was over I was like "what?". Not only this, but I did find some parts of the film really difficult to believe. This was especially true of the woman masquerading as a man, not in a million years would she have been able to pass as a man successfully as it is made obvious far too soon that she isn't.If you are looking for characters to care for, again forget Pirates of Treasure Island. They felt too stock and are given nothing to do. The acting is a masterclass in how not to act, and the largely unconvincing accents are only a part of the problems. Nobody seems engaged with their characters in any way, Rhett Giles' accent is the best of the cast and he is decent but he is not great. I like Lance Henrikssen regardless of the quality of the movies he has been in of late, and for Silver he seemed like a good choice. Some have said that he was the best thing about the movie, but while he is not as terrible as the rest of the cast I found that he sleepwalked through his role, his line delivery especially was so lifeless. Tom Nagel is bland and over-earnest as Jim, I've seen worse but his performance doesn't leave much of an impression. While Rebekah Kochan is a good example of a woman who looks gorgeous but can't act her way out of a paper bag, when she becomes like the main character in the third act her acting felt very forced.Overall, could've been a good movie if any joy, effort or imagination was put into it. Not since perhaps M Night Shyamalan's The Happening have I seen a film with so much potential in terms of ideas fail so hard in the execution department. 2/10 Bethany Cox
sabhin
Pathetic movie. This is the second pathetic movie I have seen in my life. I don't remember the name of the 1st pathetic movie. This movie is so sick. I was expecting some really cool graphics work, but was disappointed. The story is OK. Had there been more twists and turns, I could have given a 5 for this movie. But I can only give this movie a 1. Very bad movie. The actors have done a OK job. Overall a pathetic movie. Don't recommend it to your friends unless you want them to suffer. The director needs to get a huge collection of DVD's so that he can get some inspirations of file making.The story runs at such a bad pace. Being a pirate movie, I was wishing more thrills. The end is even more pathetic. The hero and heroine had been shot. They get up after some time without showing any signs of pain!!!
alliwantis
This movie has nothing to do with Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. Poorly put together with a terrible cast, and awful dialog. The actors can't even deliver a line with french accent.Lance has come a long way from being "brilliant" in Aliens. The people behind this load of poop had to be kidding. Too bad there are no funny lines in it.This is a plastic-bag with the label "Instant pirates, just add crap" This movie just hurts. Nothing more to say but to add this quote..."Patience my dear, we're going to an island. I'm sure there be plenty of bitches for all of us"
danishbro
Hard to write 1000 words for this B movie. The plot skips around a lot, and doesn't make much sense. Example, Ling Jhon Silver just killed his Captain in the jungle, Long Jhon becomes captain and the crew cheers, they hear a noise overhead and start running, then out of nowhere Long Jhon is on a mountain or something fighting some huge ant or something. And then the sets were so terrible, the cable of the ship looked like a church. The boat changed in every shot, it went from a galleon to a junk to a boom. The Boat they were on was like sparkling clean as was EVERY SINGLE pirates outfit, even the man who had been trapped on treasure island for ten years, must have found a laundry mat right? And the pirates teeth, oh wow they must have some great dentist on bored the 17th century pirate ship. The props where ugly and misplaced. A lot of stuff looks like it was ripped off pirates of the Caribbeans. The guy who played Long Jhon Silver though did a great job, but the others actor where garbage, there's this guy who french accent alone is enough to make this movie a comedy. For little kids its a good movie, but to be trueful just buy pirates of the Caribbeans and then you can watch the movie with them without throwing up. Sort of like the barney of pirate movies, only Barney has a plot line that makes sense
