GL84
Heading out for a vacation, a group of friends renting a house for a weekend getaway encounter a group of guys also looking to hook up for the evening and bring them back only to find themselves targeted by a vicious killer and must find a way of saving themselves from the maniac.This was quite the enjoyable enough effort. One of the better elements featured here is the rather engaging series of setups that offer quite a bit of fun at their expense. Not only is the first scenes showing the group on the road with their car problems and the housing mishap while giving this the kind of setup with them appearing at the house which is quite goofy and silly with the way they all interact there at the house. Even going so far as the cheesy tour through the woods with the group of loser guys or the beach-side exploits where they meet the other group of guys there picking them up for later. There's even more to enjoy with the catfight at the nightclub that forces them back to the house where the fun starts. Once they're back at the house again, this one turns into quite the exceptionally fun slasher which has a lot of sleazy fun charms. This part of the film turns into a full-on slasher opus with some rather strong and enjoyable stalking scenes that provide a thrilling, nonstop series of attacks and encounters here, from the bathroom-based double-murder and the tense attack in the bedroom which all offer up some pretty thrilling action alongside the nice gore. The film's at its best in the scenes at the shack where the killer has them abducted and ready to torture the various captives there or the engage in the fantastic chasing around the house that leads into the shack for a nice finale. As well as the fine nudity provided by those well-equipped to provide it, these here hold it up over the few flaws. Among the few flaws to be found here is the fact that this one tends to really go all over the place in the first half with a wide variety of goofy plotpoints and tangents. These are just all over the place with them continually changing plans and going to different events or locations trying to have a good time don't really provide anything of any interest as they just speak of a chaotic series of scenes designed to enhance the running time. As well, there's also the issue about the really silly finale which is pretty ridiculous with the double-turns and the various odd explanations offered for the killers' rampage which is really ham-fisted and makes no sense. It tends to feature way too much obscure tangents and coincidences to really give this a sense of closure. These here are what hold this one back.Rated Unrated/R: Extreme Graphic Language, Graphic Violence, Full Nudity, a sex scene and mild drug use.
Nicole of ArchonCinemaReviews.com
Guidos and guidettes meet their gory end, but not before they try to smash after fist pumping at the club. Yeah buddy! From the maker of Girls Gone Dead, Paul Tarnopol teams up with Jwoww Productions for the latest addition to the B-movie horror genre to give audiences Jersey Shore Massacre.A group of girl friends head down the shore for a fun-filled Jersey staycation. When a mistake with their reservation causes their shore house to get snagged, they must venture away from Seaside Heights to a family member's secluded home in the boonies – also known as the Pine Barrens. The guidettes don't let that stop them, they head back to the club and try to find some nice juice-heads. These DTF bimbos find a group of GTL-ed jerks, go back to the house to get into the jacuzzi, but instead are hunted to bloody and gruesome deaths by a deranged killer stalking them.Jersey Shore Massacre amps up and satirizes Jersey stereotypes just as much as you would expect from this B-movie. The hair, outfits and exchanges between characters, named and parodied off RHONJ, are stupid ridiculous. Interestingly the film tries to be authentic while being absurd by accurately retaining locational vernacular in the dialogue and filming in New Jersey. And with so many Italian actors and actresses cast in Jersey Shore Massacre it makes the opening credits feel like an immigration record from Ellis Island.All for heavy handed outrageousness – the film starts off strongly. Momentarily Tarnopol's Jersey Shore Massacre is like witnessing the secret and dark fantasy realized – the Jersey Shore cast bludgeoned and dead (joking of course). Preposterously idiotic, but sufficiently better acted than most B-movies thanks to the two female leads portrayed by Angelica Boccello and Danielle Dallacco, Jersey Shore Massacre can't help but make you laugh from the stupidity of the conversations between the characters.Unfortunately, the novelty of Jersey Shore Massacre fades quickly and interest wanes as it takes almost an hour for the film to switch from Jersey Shore knock off to horror flick. When the horror does get started it is excessively gory and bloody without the campy funny deaths wanted. It takes finesse to be a comedy pretending to be a horror and Jersey Shore Massacre is missing that magical balance.For more FULL reviews of recent releases, check out our website!
stdly2000
To start I would like to say proudly I have never watched the Jersey Shore TV series I am not into that kind of TV at all. Again as I have said in other reviews I like B movies and get teased about it. The movie was a good slasher movie with five bimbos and six bimbets it made for a good comedy horror movie. After watching Bunnyman last night I would give it a 10 in comparison but wait it wasn't that good. It was entertaining the actors played their dumb ass parts well the script was good the location was good the slashing was good. It was just what I expected from the title of the movie. Even the movie they watched in the movie worked well. There is lots of blood, boobs and partying what more could I ask for from this format. As far as others saying the actors were obnoxious they were supposed to be and did it well. The cop shooting one of the good guys with no hands then tries to plant a gun on him HA HA HA I love this stuff. The only part that did not work for me was near the end the last girl standing uses her hairspray and a lighter to blast the bad guy with long hair and a beard he dunks his head in a barrel of water after being on fire for a minute or so but in the next scene he looks only as bad as he did before the burning, still with all his hair and beard in tack. He should have looked like the Bunnyman without his bunny head, they could have used this to make him even scarier. But no big deal I still enjoyed the movie quite a bit it is listed as a comedy horror and that's what it is like it or leave it. Some times I wonder why people who give these movies a very poor rating even watch them to start with. I got what I thought going in out of this movie and don't feel like I wasted my time. I gave it a 5 but it was probably a 4.5.
chrismackey1972
First of all, when I saw the title Jersey Shore Massacre, I thought it was a movie based on the Jersey Maneater from 1916 - the great white shark that killed a few people, which is what Peter Benchley based Jaws on. It kinda made sense since Shark Week just ended. I thought someone was trying to piggyback on the popularity of that series. Then I saw the poster. Way wrong!!!! From the poster and the description, it looked like an indie that was so bad it's funny, which could make it rather entertaining. Boy, was I wrong, again. The cast includes pornstar Ron Jeremy. He's only in it for a few minutes, but he's the best actor in it, which kinda gives you an idea of how bad the movie has to be. The opening scene includes a topless, big boob blonde, and it's produced by JWow, telling you all you really need to know. It has a stereotypical gay man in the beginning who has a feminine Spanish accent and gestures like a woman. Oh yeah, and he works as a hairstylist. I guess they thought it would be funny, it's not, just stupid. Gays should be insulted by the character.I'm not sure if they could've hired six more repulsive girls - nine if you count the three Hispanic chicks who were only in it for a short time. The script was stupid. An example: "None of us eat meat," says one girl. Another adds, "Yeah, we're all veterinarians." Eye Roll. One of the girls wears a big, gold "SINGLE" charm on her necklace. Gee, I wonder why she's single. (sarcasm).When the tramps...I mean girls go to the beach, they meet a bunch of guys who one might mistake for Sha-Na-Na, except these guys can't sing and can't act. One of the girls has to relieve herself quickly, so she runs into the ocean and does a number 2, which some guys proceeds to step on. Was that supposed to be funny? It wasn't. That was really gross, unnecessary, and it showed a total lack of any sort of talented writing, and that's 39 minutes into the movie, with almost another 50 minutes left :( In the nightclub, the tramps...sorry, I mean, girls are dancing, and they get into a fight, and the bouncers suspend them from the club. I was wishing they'd suspend them from the movie. Could they have drawn up characters that were more disgusting and obnoxious than these girls and guys? I have my doubts.The movie has plenty of boobs, butts, blood, gore. The tough jocks are anything but tough when danger is near. There's a shower death, a tanning bed death, and many others. There were so many horror clichés used, they could've called this Cliché Massacre. Clichés are not necessarily bad, but there was nothing good about this movie. And no, it was NOT one of those "It's-so-bad-it's-funny" movies. I was rooting for the killer, even though they gave no reason for him killing people. When I brought up the Jersey Maneater at the beginning of the review, I really was hoping a shark, piranha, rabid squirrel, insane fleas, anything would kill these characters. They were poorly written, extremely underdeveloped, obnoxious as hell, and the storyline was anything but original. The script sucked. The acting sucked. It would be a shorter list if I say what DIDN'T suck. Actually, that list doesn't exist. I didn't expect to give this a 5-star rating, but I thought I'd be able to give it at least 2, maybe 3. Nope. This is a 1-star movie, and not even a solid 1-star at that :/
