Blucher One of the worst movies I've ever seen

ThedevilChoose When a movie has you begging for it to end not even half way through it's pure crap. We've all seen this movie and this characters millions of times, nothing new in it. Don't waste your time.

Brendon Jones It’s fine. It's literally the definition of a fine movie. You’ve seen it before, you know every beat and outcome before the characters even do. Only question is how much escapism you’re looking for.

Aspen Orson There is definitely an excellent idea hidden in the background of the film. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find it.

MBunge Ay-yi-yi! Dios Mio! This gargantuanly graceless joke of a motion picture makes Latinos look worse than a marathon of those old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons narrated by Charo. If you weren't for building a wall along the southern boarder of the U.S., you will be after watching Carlita's Secret. Watching the lovely and talented Eva Longoria in this excremental epic is like seeing a baby swallow a diamond ring and having to wait for it to come out the other end. You could genetically increase the intelligence of an aardvark, give him the cast of the Jersey Shore to work with, a budget so cheap it could pay half the cost of a hand job from a hook-handed crack whore and your super-aardvark STILL couldn't make movie as bad as this one.Before I even bother with the plot, let me make a few things clear. Outside of Miss Longoria, the actors here don't have enough collective talent to fill up a flea's thimble. I have seen episodes of "Cheaters" that were better directed than this. If you hit someone in the head repeatedly with a rusty metal truncheon and transcribed the sounds they made after every blow, you'd have better dialog than what is spoken here. The set design makes the cheapest tellanovella look like an Oscar winner. There is choreography here so awful it makes Dancing With The Stars look like the Bolshoi Ballet. And the soundtrack…oh, merciful heavens, the soundtrack! Not only is it bad enough to make your ears tear themselves off your head to get away from it, not only it is so loud you care barely hear what any character is saying, not only is it so constant that it feels like you're trapped in some drug-addled teen rave, but it's chock full of awesomely inappropriate rap songs. Over and over does Carlita's Secret try to reach a dramatic high point, only for some rapper throwing the F-word around like confetti to obliterate even the best intentions of these colossal filmmaking failures.The story concerns a young woman named Carlita (Eva Longoria) and her drug-dealing boyfriend Angel (Alain Mora). He brings her along on a deal that goes bad, leading to Carlita taking shelter with another drug dealer and his bi-curious wife. Things jump forward 8 years and Carlita is now a famous night club dancer named Lexus, having adopted the name to hide her identity from both the criminals betrayed by her old boyfriend and from the cops. How being a famous dancer is supposed to fit in with the whole "hiding" stuff is something never considered during production of this debacle. Things start to go wrong for Carlita when the betrayed criminals come sniffing around along with a police detective I call Not Seth MacFarlane because that's exactly what he looks like. There's also another young woman who teams up with Carlita and the movie spends an inordinate amount of time trying to confuse the audience about her agenda, even though a mollusk would figure out the character the second she reappears on screen.That's all the plot I'm going to get into because thinking about is making me want to go to the bathroom. Suffice it to say that there are some people in this world who should never try to tell a story and I think most of them worked on Carlita's Secret.This manifestation of incompetent cinema is so breathtakingly frightful that, by the end, it even manages to make Miss Longoria's bosom look bad. This is as poorly made as anything I've ever seen. Eva Longoria could get buck naked and make out with Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross and Harriet Sansom Harris and that wouldn't Carlita's Secret worth renting. If you think this is any good, you should be ejected from the solar system.

sttt3 Well, I rented this film at Hollywood Video because I recognized Eva Longoria's name from Desperate Houswives. She is much younger in this picture. It is a bit of a action thriller story set in Miami. Wild club scenes with music and that kiss that everybody has heard about. She however remains a true blue female. My boyfriend loved the scenes with the sexy ladies in their sexy outfits. I would say it was a decent film to watch on a rainy afternoon. I liked the Latino flavor. The ending was pretty good with the gun scenes. There are so many films out there that are not big screen titles that I enjoy seeing. Givng the independent producer a chance to have his talent seen. Some other titles I would recommend is 30 Miles. Another thriller with an old TV star.

truefilmfact I saw the movie and spoke to one of the cast members here in LA.It could have been a five star movie if the producer and executive producers would have allowed the director to fully shoot and edit the film as he had envisioned it.The original script was very week when it was given to the director. But the director made it work even though the producers forced him to cut pages and shoot important scenes under an hour. I think all cast members including the director did an outstanding job under the strenuous environment that all had to go through.I was informed by a cast member that the director also functioned as the director of photography for the first week of production and did all the hand-held camera work for the entire film and there is evidence to prove it and yet the producers neglected to give the director co-DP and/or camera operator credit on the final release film. This cast member also told me that the director was willing to edit the film at no cost to the production company but the producers denied him the privilege to edit his film.Also, the use of fowl language gangster rap music in a Latino film especially over well acted dialogue scenes between Eva Longoria and Maria Bravo is of poor taste from the producers and this definitely killed the movie for me. Carlita's Secret was fun to watch and it showed talent in the director and actors. Can't wait to see the director's next movie.

alevyone There is a saying in the motion picture industry that editing can make or brake a movie, it broke Carlita's Secret. The editing and the choosing of rap music in this Latino film killed the movie for me. I have seen other films that the director has made and I can only say for sure that he was not involved in the editing of this movie. The acting was good and it had some good camera work. The quality of the sound was poor, I couldn't understand some of the dialog do to the rap music been to loud. I think the movie should have been scored.I gave a vote of 7 out of 10 for the good acting and direction. But I give a vote of 1 for awful editing and producing.